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BDSM is an overlapping acronym for Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism and is used to describe a variety of Safe, Sane, and Consensual practices involving Erotic Power Exchange. Superficially, many of these practices may not seem safe, sane, or consensual to an untrained observer who is unfamiliar with the subtle forms of communication and extensive safety practices used in the community.
BDSM is advanced sexual behavior; it is probably best left to advanced people. Your average Joe Six-pack may never really grasp vanilla sex, let alone anything as complicated as BDSM. In his case, at least, the social taboos concerning BDSM may have some merit. Sorry, Joe, but baseball caps and leather don't go together. This does not mean, however, that qualified individuals should be deprived of this opportunity for fulfillment. 8% of the population has had "Sadomasochistic sex", according to The Day America Told the Truth.
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SSC is the motto of most of the BDSM community.
Safe means that the activity is safe enough for all of the participants; risk has been minimized at least to the point where the benefit outweighs the risk. It does not mean that it meets some third party's standard of safety.
Sane generally means that the person is capable of giving informed consent. It is also expected that the activity does not pose a substantial risk to a participant's sanity.
Consensual means that all participants have consented to the activity. The consent may be explicit or implicit and there may be blanket consent offered for a range of activities. There are many activities which may appear to be non-consensual (including "consensual non-consensual" scenes) but these are actually consensual.
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If you do not have a solid understanding of BDSM, you should refrain from judgment of BDSM and its participants. BDSM is not abuse or misogyny. Things are often not what they seem; BDSM is a theatrical art. Simple minded rules have been replaced by much more complex rules which better approximate reality.
There are many different subcultures; the actions of one subculture or individual may not be indicative of the larger BDSM subculture. Fantasy materials typically omit the safeguards which are important for real life scenes. You will note that a substantial portion of this page is devoted to safety. There is also a section on feminism.
The relationship between pleasure and pain is much more complicated than most people realize and varies from individual to individual and can vary over time for a given individual. Any given BDSM players often do not engage in many of the practices described here. The psychological professions are largely ignorant of what it is we do; until recently, the DSM incorrectly classified BDSM as a mental illness. Many other forms of recreation involve substantial risk: skydiving, rock climbing, mountain climbing, caving, motorcycle racing, scuba diving, camping, and hang gliding. Many other forms involve pain and discomfort: hiking, martial arts, working out at the gym. No risk, no pain, no gain.
Many plain vanilla sexual (and non sexual) activities have BDSM undertones. By exploring near the boundaries many BDSM players expand their knowledge of human sexuality, psychology, and physiology. If you are not willing to invest the enormous amount of time and effort necessary to achieve similar levels of understanding and to understand what it is we do, that is fine; but don't presume you are qualified to judge those who do.
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This part discusses safe, sane, and consensual electrotortue.
All discussions of safety assume healthy adults. Children and people with pacemakers will be considerably more vulnerable. This part, by itself, should not be considered adequate safety training for electrotorture. You will find some safety information here, however, which to the best of my knowledge is not available anywhere else on the web.
Improper electrotorture can result in death due to cardiac arrest, nerve damage, torn ligaments and broken bones from severe muscle contractions, burns, or physical trauma from being propelled across the room by involuntary contractions.
High voltage arcs can ignite flammable materials and liquids (such as rubbing alcohol).
Violet Wands
This is a Quack Medical device based on combining the type of AC Line operated hand held Tesla Coil found in any High Vacuum Laboratory with some rarefied gas filled blown glass accessories.
Safety Warning: The "ground" for the high voltage winding on the tesla coil is normally made through a connection to the AC line (it might be the hot lead or it might be neutral - want to play russian roulette?). This will not electrocute you through one of the glass electrodes but it will if you accidentally come into contact with the high voltage connection or use any of the metal attachments.
The wand should be modified to use a 3 wire grounded cord. Note, however, that I have heard that most wands with a 3 wire cord are not connected properly and are still potentially lethal. Electrical outlets which have the ground and neutral connections reversed or don't have a proper ground connection are very common even though they violate the National Electrical Code.
PROPERLY WIRED, these can be safe to use above the waist, and across the heart, at lower output levels.
In lieu of rewiring the Violet Wand to use the ground lead, you can check the outlet wiring using one of those outlet testers you find at a hardware store for about $4. You still need to verify with an ohmmeter or continuity tester that the high voltage ground is connected to the neutral and not the hot lead and you must verify that the cord uses a three prong or polarized plug which cannot be plugged in backwards.
The violet wand can cause sunburns if used on one area for too long. Both the high voltage and the ultraviolet light can produce ozone. Inhaling too much ozone can cause lung damage.
The Violet Wands which use the Electro-technic Products High Frequency Generator (handle) are better quality than those which use the Master high frequency generators. Most violet wands will overheat and be damaged if they are used continuously for very long. Limit use to 5 minutes for the Master units and 10 minutes for the ETP ones. You can find the lower quality violet wands at some beauty supply stores. JT's Stockroom sells violet wands based on the ETP generator which have been remanufactured to permit continuous operation.
Avoid direct contact or a short arc to the high voltage output terminal (the socket the accessories plug into) on the end of the generator. There are a number of accessories which have safety features which may not be apparent. For example, the ball chains apparently have built in current limiting features. The metal probe tips have an air gap built in which is supposed to protect you from the AC line; this protection is likely to be ineffective, however.
TENS
Transcutaneous Electronic Neurological Stimulator. This device is normally used to reduce existing pain but can be adjusted to induce pain. Use above the waist (including hands) or in any configuration which will cause current to flow across the chest does have some risk of inducing cardiac arrest. Typical specs:
0-70 volts
0-80ma or 0-100ma current (newer units tend to have 80ma upper range, probably to reduce the risk of cardiac arrest).
Pulse width: 50-250uS
Pulse rate: 2-150hz
The electrodes cannot be cleaned; therefore, do not use them on more than one person. You can purchase additional electrodes.
Diversified Services sells an imported TENS unit for around $100.
EMS (Electronic Muscle Stimulators) are similar to TENS units. These are also sometimes called Relaxicisors. The pulses they generate are usually about the same as those generated by a TENS but they alternately apply stimulus and rest for a few seconds at a time. It seems pretty silly that they make two kinds of boxes when one box with a few more adjustments could do the same job.
Plasma Globe
Mass produced plasma globes can be had for as little as 10% of the cost of a good violet wand.
Dome Lightning. $39.99 at KB Toys (normally $59.99). Iluma Storm model #2888BR. UPC Label 0-31192-02880-0. Made in Korea by Lee Home Products Corporation.
Voltage: Unmeasured (probably 15-30KV). Alternating Current narrowed 90Khz. Current flow when covered with foil around 275uA.
The high voltage electrode (and all internal components) is hot to the AC Line (actually rectified AC line). Do NOT attempt to connect directly to the high voltage lead, bypassing the glass globe, by disassembling the unit; the result is likely to be fatal. If you manage to break both the inner and outer glass bulb there is an electrocution hazard from contact with the hot lead. Particularly dangerous would be an accident where the globe is dropped from a distance onto a person breaking both globes and making electrical contact with the high voltage lead.
If you want to modify the unit for three wire operation, the "ground connections" of the flyback transformer, FT1, is the two center pins of the four pins on the bottom (the output lead is on the top); Use a moto tool to isolate these two leads from the existing connection making at least a 1/8" gap. Connect the ground connection of the cord to this point.
Sharp metal objects held near (but not touching) the globe can cause permanent marks and possibly even holes in the glass.
If you place your hand over the globe, the sensation will usually be very mild but both the glass and your hand will start to get uncomfortably hot after 5 to 10 seconds. If you hold a part of your body near the globe (or vice versa) such that only a single point is near the globe, you will get a more intense effect but won't really see an arc outside the globe.
If you place a coin on top of the globe or cover the globe with aluminum foil, you can easily draw an arc to your body which will cause a painful sensation. You may also notice the smell of burning flesh and a pin sized burn on you skin.
Some experiments with 1 megaohm and 10 megaohm quarter watt resistors (not adequate for high voltage use) as current limiting resistors (one lead curled to rest on top of the globe), showed that 10 megahoms rendered the sensation negligible while 1 megaohm did not noticeably reduce pain or burning.
Unlike a violet wand, you cannot conduct energy from one hand to the other to zap someone even with the globe covered with foil. The limited available current is apparently all lost to the air through your whole body (even if your feet aren't grounded).
The globe can be covered with foil and a clip lead used to connect to a metal probe of your choice. Some energy will be lost as sharp corners of the foil cause discharge.
Ozone is produced by the high voltage ionizing oxygen molecules in the air.
When using the globe directly on a sub, I recommend removing the protective plastic shield which will block your view. I removed the plastic shield by ripping it off - it was held on with some weak glue. The sound and light seen through the globe will tell you want sensations are being delivered. Particularly, look and listen for pinpoint hot spots.
I disassembled one of these units and reverse engineered it to produce a (very ugly) schematic and took some measurements.
The globe is not designed to be hand held; care must be taken to hold it securely.
The Illuma Storm Junior has a form factor which is almost ideal for electro play. It is an oversize light bulb with a removable socket base. The one I got was way to wimpy, however, even though it uses the same flyback transformer. I suspect that unit was defective. The cylindrical portion below the globe fits comfortably into the hand. The unit can optionally respond to sound. Three wire modification should follow the same directions as for the normal tabletop model. The light socket would need to be bypassed entirely, a grounding ring added to the base, or a grounding strap outside. There is a little plastic rivet located to the audio/continuous switch; the top of the rivet is two parts- pry the two parts apart to unset the rivet which can then be pried out. Behind the rivet is an intensity adjustment control. CAUTION: Shock hazard - this control is not isolated from the AC line. Use a plastic screwdriver. There is no guarantee that some settings may exceed the power ratings of certain electronic components. Even at the highest setting, the intensity (and zap potential) was wimpy; again, this was probably a defective unit. These units were being closed out for $20 (normally $50).
I note that the 8" model sold at Radio Shack has 450uA current limiting, intensity, and focus controls (from their tech support web site).
The plasma globe, when used with a metal object to increase the current output, produces little pinpoint size burns and might be better for temporary branding than a violet wand. The difference is probably due to the fact that the violet wand operates at a higher frequency.
Laser Power Supplies
I am just talking about the supplies for the small helium neon lasers. Unmodified, these are dangerous since they produce current which exceeds the "can't let go" level. A typical supply might produce 2KV at 10ma but will produce a starting voltage of 12KV. There is substantial internal capacitance. May be made safe with a high voltage current limiting resistor. Might also need to be isolated from the AC line in some cases.
Isolation Transformers
Isolation transformers will not work to protect against AC line electrocution with high voltage generators with two wire AC line cords; these high voltage devices need the lack of isolation to work normally and the high voltage will probably damage the isolation transformer if you arc the high voltage output to ground. Once the high voltage arcs between the primary and the secondary of the isolation transformer, the transformers protection will also be circumvented.
Ground Fault Interrupters
High voltage gernators with two wire AC cords may trip ground fault interrupters. There is also a slight possibility that that the high voltage would damage or confuse the GFCI. The GFCI is probably safe until it trips, at which point it may self destruct. Before it trips, the low impedance's involved may protect it. Whether a GFCI is vulnerable to the high voltage after tripping depends on which side of the breaker contacts the sensing circuitry is on; if the breaker contacts are between the sensing circuitry and the output terminals, it should survive. Also, if the GFCI itself is accidentally unplugged while the violet wand is in operation there is a danger that the GFCI can be destroyed by the stored energy in the Tesla Coil. The use of GFCIs is probably still a very good idea, just think of them as an expensive single use fuse rather than a reusable circuit breaker; once it trips, be prepared to replace it (use the "test" button to see if this is necessary.
Computers and Electronics
Don't subject your computer or other electronic devices to electroturture from high voltage devices; it could be a very expensive mistake. Don't try to use the sound card as a TENS unit either; this could be fatal if there is a miscontact on your computers ground connection.
Temporary Brands
A temporary brand can be made by arcing to the skin. It probably begin to disappear in a few hours.
Injuries
A violet wand set fire to clothing
Violet wand: Electrical burn from a grounding pad tucked inside a stocking which had apparently been arcing to skin; resulted in a scar. Endorphins prevented sub from noticing during play.
Use of a cattle prod result in a broken bone. The prod was used on a bound limb and the muscle contractions broke the bone.
A cattle prod applied nonconsensually to one person in a couple which was kissing resulted in burns around the mouth for both.
Also, note that the use of the glass electrodes can cause sunburns.
Juice: Electricity for Pleasure and Pain
I recommend that anyone interested in electrical play read this book. There are a number of errors in the book, however; some of these errors are serious.
Figure 9 is wrong
He describes the output of a 9V battery and the output of a TENS unit as similar. They aren't. TENS units produce 70 volt pulses.
His description of how ground fault circuit interrupters (GFCIs) work is incorrect. The do not sense the current flowing in the ground lead; if they did, they would not protect against many of the hazards they are specifically intended to protect against (such as dropping a hair dryer in a sink or tub). Instead, they measure the current flowing through both the hot and neutral wires; any discrepancy between these two measurements indicates a ground fault (i.e. current is finding an alternate path to ground such as through water or a person). He also fails to warn of the possibility that a tesla coil (violet wand) could possibly damage a GFCI if the GFCI trips; this could render the GFCI unable to trip in the event of a fatal ground fault.
Plasma in a violet wand is not an insulator.
In figure 22/23 capacitance is incorrectly drawn as inductance.
He says that the output of TENS units does not go negative. Actually, they often do; some due to inductive kickback and others because they were deliberately designed to go negative as well as positive.
Current Levels
<100ua "Microshocks". Could actually be fatal in medical apparatus or other situations where current is applied directly to internal organs (particularly the heart). Accidental micro shocks can be a serious risk for medical apparatus and elaborate precautions are normally used.
1ma Barely perceptible tingle.
5ma Shock felt but not painful. This is the limit set by the National Electrical Code and is the trip threshold for ground fault circuit interrupters (GFCIs).
18ma Prolonged exposure causes contraction of the diaphragm and may result in suffocation.
6-39ma "Can't let go". Painful shock and loss of muscular control. The victim is unable to, for example, pull their hand away from the source of the electric shock. Average can't let go limit is 10.5ma for women and 15.5 for men.
50-150ma Severe Pain. Muscular Contractions. Respiratory arrest. Ventricular fibrillation in most adult by 100ma. Death possible. Person cannot let go but induced muscle contractions may cause them to be thrown clear.
1000ma-4500ma Ventricular fibrillation, muscle contraction, nerve damage. Death is "most likely."
10,000ma Death is probable. Cardiac arrest. Severe burns.
DC and frequencies higher than 1Khz are ten times safer than the same current at 50-60Hz. Effects listed above are for 60hz. The electrical power grids operate at the most frequencies (50/60hz) that people are most susceptible to.
Electrically induced muscle contractions, as well as peoples reactions to pain, can result in injury or death from striking external objects. Muscle contractions can also break bones and do other damage directly.
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Nylon 300 tail Flogger
This is a very sensuous flogger. It is a good flogger to use on someone who isn't into pain (or doesn't know it yet) or for use by a novice top who hasn't practiced their aim enough (an errant stroke would not be likely to cause injury even if struck a critical area). It would also be good for warm-ups and for use on the genitals. It can be used to caress, in which case it feels much like well conditioned hair. Particularly in white or multicolored varieties, it is also not very intimidating. It would be very difficult to injure someone accidentally with this one unless you swung it from the wrong end. Used lightly for flogging, there it doesn't cause even the slightest amount of pain. Used extremely hard, it has some appreciable thud and a little sting. The handle can also used as an insertion toy. I haven't tested if it is boilable or autoclaveable yet (the tool dip is only rated for 200 degrees fahrenheit so it might not be) but it will still withstand sterilization by chemicals or heat than leather. It is also cheap enough to have one for each partner. The rigid loop at the end will hold a lanyard to hang the whip by, will keep the whip from slipping out of your hand in use, and makes for a more interesting insertion toy. The handle is 6" long and the tails are about 12" long.
This requires a 260 foot spool of #18 nylon twine and some tool dip. Both are available at Walmart. The twine is available in white (rope and chain section), black (fishing/boating section). The plasti-dip is in the tool section but you will find a larger selection of colors at the Lowes. An assortment of neon twine colors are available in a package in the rope section at Lowes, if you want to make a psychedelic flogger. The cost of this flogger is about $3 in quantity but you will need to spend about $12 if you only want one. If you plan to make more than one, purchase more than one container of tool dip; although one can has enough to coat many whips, the can is barely deep enough so you will want to replenish it from a second can as the level drops.
Clamp 2 sticks or rods 18" apart to help make a winding form or have your partner hold two pencils the right distance apart (a tied loop will help maintain a constant distance). Wrap the twine around the form 50 times (100 strands total). Starting 1-1/4" from one end, whip a five inch long section very tightly to form a handle. Now whip around the little loop you left at the end, again very tightly to form a hard loop. Cut the other end of the 50 loops to make the tails and trim them to the same length, if desired. You now have 100 tails which will unravel to make 300 tails during the first use; each strand will retain a little waviness from when it was twisted. Those 300 strands will eventually unravel further to make many thousands of strands.
Now secure the tails with a temporary whipping or noose so you can hang the whip upside down for dipping with a length of string for hanging. Place a can of tool dip on a paper plate or some scrap newspaper in a well ventilated area with some point overhead you can tie a string to for hanging. Have Mix the tool dip thoroughly to mix the pigment. Dip the handle once (swish the whip around a little so it coats all the way to the end of the handle. Now slowly withdraw and hang. Use a toothpick, baggy tie, pipe cleaner, skewer, or other disposable thin object to remove excess tool dip from inside the loop so an opening remains. Cover the tool dip and allow the whip to dry for 30 minutes. Repeat the dipping, then allow to dry overnight.
For the lanyard, tie a foot or so of string or lace into a loop. Now, slip this loop through the loop in the handle and then back through itself. I used plastic craft lace. This way, the lanyard can easily be removed when the whip is used for insertion play.
Using the tool dip is optional but it makes for a nicer handle.
Suede Flogger
It has eleven tails, each 6" long. The suede used was about 6oz weight (1/16" thick). This was was made from an 8-1/2x11 inch piece of Black Suede (about $7 at Michael's Arts and Crafts). A 4 inch section of 1/2" diameter was used for a handle. Cut all but 4 inches of the length into 3/4 inch wide strips (but don't detach those strips from the main body of the leather). Wrap the uncut section tightly around the dowel rod and hammer four #9 upholstery nails (a thumbtack with an attitude) through the end of the leather into the dowel rod (you will probably bend a few in the attempt). Blacken the end of the dowel with a magic marker if desired. Take a 3 inch x 1/4 inch or larger scrap of leather and make a hanging loop or lanyard. Attach this loop to the end of the dowel rod with another upholstery tack. You can decorate the handle with additional tacks if you like.
Chamois flogger
This has 24 tails, each 9" long. The chamois was about 4oz weight. This is a sensual flogger. Even a strong hit is a little thud and a negligible sting. Good for caressing. It was made from a 9 inch by 26 inch rectangle cut from a Chamois rag purchased in the automotive section of walmart. The piece was folded in half to make a piece that was 9x13. Follow the directions for the suede flogger above.
Shoelace flogger
This is a simple, cheap ($3), stingy flogger with 8 tails. This was made from a single pair of 72" leather shoelaces, cut in half to make four 36" pieces. Each piece is folded in half. A six inch piece of 1/2" heat shrink tubing was used to make a handle 1" from the fold. I then whipped the handle and the small loop at the end with nylon twine. Either the wipping or the heat shrink can be omitted. It could be tool dipped as well. You can even use duct tape to make the handle if you want really low tech.
Hey, splurge a little. Buy two or three packages of shoe laces or a spool of lattigo lace or suede lace.
Closeline and Bicycle handle flogger
Fish a loop of string through the hole in the end of a bicycle handle all the way through the body of the handle. Take nine 36" lengths of braided polyester clothesline. Pass them through the loop of string till the halfway point. Wrap the other end of the loop around a screw driver or a bed post and yank hard to draw the folded over lengths of clothesline. Tie a bunch of knots in the end of the loop of string so it won't pull back through (if the hole is to large, some washers might help). The loop of string is now a lanyard/hanging loop. The ends of the tails will unravel a little which makes the whip a little milder. Do not melt/fuse the ends. If you don't want the ends to unravel, you can whip the ends with thread or back splice the ends but these are time consuming.
The plastic "gel" bicycle handles work nicely. They cost about $6 for a pair at walmart. These work nicer than the old fashioned knuckle grip handles or the flanged handles. Braided nylon rope would be nicer than the clothesline.
To make the handle a little firmer and improve the balance of the flogger, you could shove a piece of stainless steel rod or dowel rod which has had one end drilled and tapped; thread an eyebolt into the rod through the hole in the end of the handle.
Rubber Flogger
Three 16" long sections were cut from a bicycle intertube. These were then slit along their length with scissors so they would lay flat. Each section was then slit for 12" of its length into 4 tails, leaving an unslit section for the handle. Dowel handle and upholstery tacks, like some of the other whips above. The top layer of rubber wrapped around the handle was about as wide as the circumference of the layer underneath so I had to stretch the rubber to be able to drive a line of tacks through both edges; if I had it to do again, I think I would try rolling a length of inner tube over the top layer like a condom.
Adjustable Nipple clamps
I drilled a hole in some alligator clips on the mean side of the hinge and then tapped the hole with a 6-32 tap. An ordinary 6-32 screw was installed in the hole to allow adjustment of the minimum distance between jaws. Some were dipped in tool dip to coat the teeth. Ball chain (for ceiling fans) was used to connect two clips together.
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All night drug store (CVS)
Condoms, lube, latex gloves, finger cots, lancettes (normaly used for blood sugar tests, can be used for needle play)
Rubbing Alcohol, Hydrogen Peroxide, antiseptic wipes and other cleaning supplies.
Metal Handcuffs with safety release (in the toy aisle)
Duct tape and saran wrap
Polyester Closeline, Nylon twine, and leather shoelaces
The clothesline is likely to be 3/16" diameter; this is rather thin for bondage and there is a danger of cutting of circulation and pinching nerves. Use multiple turns around the wrist or ankles with a non constricting knot (such as a bowline on a coil).
Any of these may be used to make a serviceable whip. Nine 36" lengths of clothesline or 50 36" lengths of nylon twine folded in half will make a serviceable whip. Similarly, one or two pairs of 72" leather shoelaces cut in half and doubled over will suffice. Whip a 5" section for use as a handle. Later, you can dip in plastic dip for a more permanent handle. For a quick and dirty solution, use duct tape for the handle.
Scissors. Sadly, you probably won't find bandage scissors or EMT shears here. But you may find a pair of scissors with a fairly mean cutting edge but a tip which is at least a little blunt.
ACE bandages are very handy for bondage.
sports bottles, straws, or similar implements which can be used to quench a sub's thirst while tied up in an awkward position.
Sleeping masks
Candles
You might find closepins.
watercolors and brushes
Stethoscopes, blood pressure cuffs, thermometers, baby bottles, enemas and other items useful for specific role playing games.
Hemostats and tweezers
First aid kits and supplies
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Walmart
Almost everything described in the drug store section above can be found in the appropriate departments of Walmart.
Pharmacy
Condoms, lube, first aid kits, ace bandages, blood pressure cuffs, wrapping tape, etc.
Shoes
Shoe laces, leather care supplies.
Toys
Handcuffs.
Sewing
Tracing wheel. Rotary cutters and mattes for leather crafts. Eyelets.
Crafts
Feathers, leather and suede lace, plastic craft lace. Medium and tiny clothespins.
Tools and hardware
Bolt cutters. Utility knives for construction. Padlocks including up to 4 keyed alike.
Pets
Cat ticklers. Rubber bone can be used as a mouth gag/bit. Collars and Leashes.
Rope and Chain
Rope, nylon twine (white, and a couple fluorescent colors), links, caribeeners, snaps.
Automotive
Chamois cloths.
Camping, fishing, boating
Hemostats. There are some inexpensive retraction scissors which could be used in a pinch as a substitute for bandage scissors. Nylon twine in a variety sizes of white and one size of black.
Bicycles
Bicycle handle grips are useful for whip handles. Rubber cement. Rubber inner tubes (for making rubber whips). Bicycle locks.
Sports
Golf Practice balls (wiffle balls) can be used for mouth gags. Dropping a ball held in the hand can be used as a safe signal. Ping pong paddles can be used for paddling (don't overdo it).
Cleaning
Feather dusters. Certain mop heads might also be used for flagellation.
Laundry
Clothespins and clothesline. Plastic coat hangers can be used unmodified as a simple cane like implement. If you cut a plastic coat hanger (discard one section of the triangle), whittle the cut end to a round shape, and unbend it while heating with a heat gun you can produce a straight cane with a looped handle (the original hook); this is not as severe or accurate as a good cane but is quite serviceable.
Men's Apparel
Leather belts (Dickie's brand) which are double perforated over a full yard; these will adjust small enough for a wrist.
Other
Hairbrushes, wooden spoons, spatulas, candles, duct tape, plastic wrap. Fans and heaters.
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Hardware Store (Lowes)
Duct Tape, Eyebolts, chain and rope, pliers.
Superstrut is great when attached to the ceiling with lag bolts. You can then attach eyebolts anywhere along the strut for a flexible and strong attachment system. The eyebolts will not tend to unscrew as they might if driven directly into joists and the weight is distributed to more than one lag bolt; if one of the lag bolts fails because you missed the joist, the others will take the weight. Webbing, rope, and chain. Duct Tape. Parts for spreader bars. Lumber and other supplies for construction projects.
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Wilderness Outfitters (Blue Ridge Mountain Sports)
Nylon rope, bungee cord, nylon webbing, first aid kits with EMT shears or bandage scissors, and luggage locks (eagle creek - all packages in stock were keyed alike, not just the pair in each package).
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Pet supply
One local store (pet food discounters) sells some nice feather cat ticklers. Rubber bone can be used as a mouth gag/bit. Collars and Leashes. Chain choke collars (don't use in choke mode) with nice twisted link chain.
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Tack Shop
Riding Crops, Buggy Whips, leather punch, stirrups, bits, leather care items. Some Tack shops carry needles, the kind used for injections, which can be used for needle play.
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Spencer's Gifts
Whips, ticklers, vibrators, water soluble (condom compatible) massage lotions, plastic toy num-chucks (safe for striking), Lightning globe (electrotorture), padded metal handcuffs, and nylon wrist restraints with velcro and fastex safety releases.
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Dollar Tree
April bath and shower 14" Wooden Bath Brush and 14" Wooden Bath Brush (wooden nubs instead of bristles). The front sides can also be used for impact toys but be careful about the back. Back scratcher. 10" bath brush. Bubble blowing toys. Veterinarian's Choice LL511 Dog Training Dummy 7-89690-02553-0 (thud toy). 9-1/2" Mini Duster 0-32847-30343-3. Roller Massagers. 4 legged kitty massager ( no moving parts, like "Mr. happy"). Shoe brush (abrasion toy or leather care). Rainbow Ribbon Bouncing Ball (Rubber ball on a string, thud toy). Miniature plastic coated dumbbells with rounded ends (about the size of a keiglecisor with one end removed); use as a roller toy or with a condom as an insertion toy. Porcupine style hairbrush with rounded ends. Punching balloons. 26" long 1" wide plastic candy cane. Metal over door wreath hangers (great for hotel rooms).
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Radio Shack
Illuma Storm plasma globe and Illuma Storm Junior.
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Whipping the ends of a rope is normally used to prevent unraveling. The same technique can be used to make the handle of a whip when tied around the doubled over end of a bunch of rope, twine, or leather lace. Whip a section about 5 inches long (about 1" from the end) very tightly.
The Bowline on a coil is traditionally used around the chest by cave or mountain rescue groups for emergency lifting, lowering, or belay purposes. I would not encourage its use in the same fashion for suspension because there are important nerves in the armpits which are vulnerable to pinching. This knot is apparently not widely known in the BDSM community but it should be. This knot is a non constricting knot which allows multiple strands of rope or webbing to be used to distribute the force over a larger area. Handy for tying wrists, ankles, thighs, and other parts of the body when proper restraints are not available. The regular bowline knot is also handy whenever you want a simple loop. Be careful which way the "rabbit" goes around the tree; tied backwards this knot can easily come undone. This knot can also be quickly tied one handed if you know the trick.
The square knot is a very popular and easy to tie knot. This is widely used for BDSM, particularly by people with limited knot tying skills. It is basically two overhand knots tied in opposite directions (right over left, left over right). Be careful which way you tie the second overhand knot or you will end up with a granny knot
The figure eight knot is only slightly harder to tie than an overhand and it is a very secure knot which is hard to tie incorrectly, preserves 85 percent of the rope strength (more than almost any other knot), and doesn't tend to deform into an insecure form as easily as most most other knots. If you double over a foot or more of the rope near the end (a "bight"), or even in the middle, and then tie a figure eight you have a figure eight on a bight.
Any caver can tell you how to tie a tensionless rig. This preserves the full breaking strength of the rope and is easy to untie even after supporting the weight of one or more people. Basically, wrap the rope around a tree or an overhead beam five times and then tie a bowline or a figure eight on a bight around the main line. Note that if this is tied around a square beam instead of a round object, the sharp corners will reduce the breaking strength of the rope.
When used in life support applications, a knot should be properly dressed (tightened and the shape adjusted into the ideal form) and the loose ends should be backed up with an overhand knot. The overhand knot should be dressed snugly against the main knot to help prevent the main knot from coming undone.
A triple redundant seat harness tied in one inch tubular nylon webbing could be used for a fairly suspension. These are regularly used to support a persons full weight for half an hour or so. Some chest and/or wrist support will be desired to prevent your sub from flipping upside down and falling out if (s)he loses consciousness.
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Scissors. It is very important to have a pair of scissors which can be used to cut through rope, duct tape, saran wrap, leather restraints, and even clothing in the event of an emergency. These need to have aggressive cutting edges but a blunt tip which can be used next to someone's skin without stabbing. To styles are traditionally used which go by various names including bandage scissors, surgeon's scissors, EMT shears, or ambulance shears. These can be hard to find locally and probably need to be ordered from a medical supply or bondage supply house. I do have a pair of 9-1/2"-10" fiskars serrated shears which I purchased at a local hardware store (Lowes); the bottom blade is longer than the top blade (for continuous cutting) with a somewhat blunt tip and a notch which can be used for cutting bones, rope, and other round objects.
Bolt cutters are used to cut locks, chain, and D-rings for emergency release.
Fire Extinguisher
Emergency lighting. Your scene may get a little scarier than you intended if the power fails.
First aid kit.
Telephone. If in doubt, call 911. They have seen it all - don't be embarrassed.
A soft object such as a leather wallet or a rubber bit is handy to protect the teeth and maintain an open airway for a seizure victim (see the link to the article elsewhere on this page).
Have you taken a CPR class?
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Don't think for a second that just because you are familiar with the safety guidelines on this page that you know everything you need to know for any scene. Also please note that there reportedly have been more injuries due to bondage than sadistic activities such as whipping; activities which pose subtle dangers often result in more harm than ones which have blatantly obvious, and thus easily avoided, dangers.
There are probably exceptions to almost any safety rule. These are guidelines; when you step outside the guidelines you need to take even more stringent precautions which compensate for the particular guidelines you are violating.
You will find some safety warnings here that you are unlikely to find other sites. There will also be warnings on other sites that I have failed to include here.
Never leave a person in bondage alone. They could have a panic attack or emotional crisis, drown in their own vomit, have a seizure, lose circulation, or otherwise be severely harmed. Lots of fantasy material involves leaving someone for an extended period of time (the top goes to the local watering hole for a hour or two or even leaves the sub tied up overnight); this is very risky. If you really want to leave your sub alone for a while, at least consider closed circuit television - with audio; even then, you may not notice problems which you would if you were in the same room (for example, can you tell if someone stops breathing from looking at a video monitor?)
Beware of constricting blood flow or pinching nerves. This can be a danger just from wrist restraints; there are important nerves and veins on the inside of the wrist. The backs of the knees are also problem areas. Make sure all bondage gear is lose enough (you should be able to easily slip a finger under it) and is non constricting.
Arms raised above shoulder height for more than a half hour may not get adequate circulation. Any coldness or tingling of the hands is a very important warning sign which a sub should be instructed to report immediately.
Never tie anything around the front of the neck or which could apply pressure to the front of the neck when things shift.
Don't whip the lower back - the kidneys are very close to the surface and easily damaged. Don't whip where bones are close to the surface without adequate padding (long before you damage the bone, nerves and arteries can easily be pinched between your implement and the bone). Don't whip anywhere where internal organs are not protected by bone.
Before placing any bondage around the chest, have the sub inhale and hold their breath; the chest cavity needs room to expand. The sub may not notice they are unable to breath properly at rest but when their oxygen needs increase due to exertion or excitement they may need more room.
In general, whip only the buttocks (avoid the tailbone!), upper half of the back, and maybe the inner thighs unless you have been properly trained and know where all the internal organs, arteries, veins, and nerves are located. You should familiarize yourself through both medical/anatomical sources and BDSM sources.
The nerves which serve the genital area actually travel from around the midpoint of the spine and diagonally down around the waist and stomach. Even a tight or heavily loaded belt or fanny pack can cause serious damage to these nerves; imagine what kind of permanent damage a piece of rope could cause. This does not seem to be very well known inside or outside the BDSM community.
Use extreme caution when constricting an airway such as the nose or the mouth. Leave at least one of the two open. Even that may not be adequate could be easily blocked by vomit, snot, or other causes.
There is some controversy over whipping the breasts. Some believe it can promote cysts or tumors.
Sanitize whips if there is any possibility that skin has been broken (even if you are fairly gentle, popping a zit is enough) or it has come into contact with bodily fluids.
Sanitize all penetration toys between uses if they are used for more than one person. A condom may be used to "customize" dildos and other toys.
Before blindfolding someone, check if they are wearing contacts; permanent eye damage may occur.
Some candles melt at higher temperatures and will cause burns. More information on candle safety is in the section on Candle Wax.
Ass play has many risks. Fecal material can pose a significant biological hazard even to the person who generated it; the lower end of the alimentary canal harbors many microorganisms which can cause problems if they are introduced to the mouth or vagina. Many diseases, not merely sexually transmitted ones, can be transmitted via fecal material; Cholera is epidemic in some areas with inadequate sanitation, for example. Anal penetration without adequate lubrication can cause not only extreme discomfort (typically not the erotic variety) but also serious damage; use KY jelly or other suitable lubricant and ignore those fantasies you may have read about merely using a little vaginal lubrication. Dental Dams are commonly used for protection during analingus and a piece cut from a latex glove or saran wrap can also be used; note, however, that none of these are as effective a barrier as a condom. The odds of HIV transmission via unprotected anal sex is about ten times greater than via unprotected vaginal sex. Use of a good quality condom (many popular ones are not so good) improves the odds by around a factor of ten, which makes protected anal sex about as dangerous as unprotected vaginal sex.
Golden Showers are considerably less risky than ass play. Urine is normally pretty sterile and has even been used as an antiseptic in third world countries and during wartime when others were not available. There are some diseases which can survive or be transmitted by urine, however; just ask anyone with a urinary tract infection. Hepatitis B, in particular, can be present in urine. The risk of disease transmission may be less than for unprotected vaginal intercourse.
Submissives should take caution when meeting someone they do not know in real life for play. You may well find yourself at the mercy of a predator or someone who doesn't intend to cause harm but does not know how to prevent it. Meet the person in a public place to get to know them before considering play. Get references. Before you meet for play, let someone you trust know who you will be with and where you will be and arrange phone calls and code words to call the police; an organization called safetyNET has some more precautions and may be able to arrange a safety buddy.
Establish safewords.
There is some question about whether whipping or beating breasts can contribute to cancer. Trauma to the breasts or oxygen depravation due to bondage can cause Fat Necrosis which will cause lumps which mimic breast cancer and may need to be surgically removed. Lengths of time you can keep the breasts bound based on the number of fingers you can insert under the rope: 0 fingers - 15 minutes, 1 finger 30 minutes, 2-3 fingers 45 minutes. After the specified duration, the breasts should be unbound for a minimum of 15 minutes.
Don't trust a dominant who is put off by your safety precautions or tells you you are not a good submissive if you don't take risks you are not comfortable with.
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A 10% bleach solution, 70% isopropyl alcohol, or hydrogen peroxide are effective in destroying HIV. Clean the item with soap and water, dry, clean with sanitizer, and then rinse and dry. Leather toys are harder to sanitize. Leather is porous and may harbor microorganisms and may be damaged by washing and/or sanitizing. Leather items may need reconditioning after washing and/or sanitizing; a little neats foot oil can often be used to recondition the leather. Suede and other delicate leathers can be particularly easily damaged. Some items can be sanitized using heat, although this will damage many others. Boiling for 20 minutes is pretty effective. Metal instruments can be autoclaved. Alcohols are not effective against bacterial spores. Bleach solutions should be made the same day. Alcohol is highly flammable; be careful around candles and other open source of flame. Soap helps remove oils which may harbor bacteria and viruses but doesn't disinfect itself. Nicks, cracks, pores, etc. can harbor infections agents. Rinsing in water helps dilute infectious agents. Using more than one sterilizing agent may improve effectiveness. Air drying helps kill HIV and many others, although you may also pick up air borne agents. If you will be intentionally breaking skin, you probably want to take more precautions than outlined here. Betadine solution is frequently used and blades, needles, and whips are often reserved exclusively for use on a single person. Some people are allergic to iodine based antibacterial agents like betadine. Alcohol stings when used on open wounds.
I have a surplus medical sterilizer. Unfortunately, it is basically a boiling water setup which does not get hot enough to kill some of the more hardy pathogens although it will destroy many including HIV and it makes a good prop for a medical scene An ordinary pressure cooker can be used as an autoclave. Be sure to follow the manufacturers directions for exhausting the air or it won't be effective. Heat sensitive autoclave tape may be used inside to tell if you have reached the necessary temperature.
Whips made from nylon, and which don't use cheap glues, can be subjected to much more serious disinfecting. There are instructions for making whips from nylon rope on this page; these are very inexpensive so you can have one for each person or they can be thoroughly washed and sterilized. Hepatitis A can be inactivated by boiling or cooking at 185 degrees Fahrenheit for 1 minute, according to Third World Traveler
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Even if your sub wants you to flog the shit out of them, seemingly minor discomforts such as being too hot, to cold, or needing a pillow for their head may ruin a scene. Be careful not to cause any pain or discomfort other than that which is intended. And uncomfortable bondage gear can be worse than a distraction; pinched nerves and cutoff circulation can cause permanent harm.
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Beeswax candles melt at a much higher, and damaging temperature; beeswax itself only melts 10 degrees hotter but they typically have more temperature raising additives than paraffin based candles. Colorants and perfumes can raise the melting point although they apparently don't do so by much. Metallic chips in candles can get very hot and cause burns. Sterine is used as a hardener in candles and can raise the melting point substantially; long burning candles have too much stearine and will cause harm. The top should always test candles by dripping wax on the back of the hand. The greater the height wax is dropped from, the more time it has to cool. Wax temperature can exceed the melting point if it is not in equilibrium with solid wax; if you use a pot of some sort to heat the wax, be very careful about temperature (a thermometer is a good idea).
Taper candles apparently produce hotter wax than larger and enclosed candles where the wax pools and reaches equilibrium with the solid paraffin. An article on Candle Composition gives some more information. Avoid areas with hair - it is hard to remove wax from these areas and you might permanently remove the hair (although if you use a low temperature wax and remove the wax with a flea comb you can probably get away with it). There is a little metal dodad at the bottom of the wick of many candles. If the wax has melted down to the dodad it may fall onto your sub and cause burns. Removing the dodad, however, poses a fire hazard. The dodad is there partly to hold the wick in place while the candle is poured but it has another function which is to spread the heat from the wick and keep the wick from burning down within a quarter inch of the glass; without it, the glass is likely to break from the heat; even with it, don't trust glass, particularly untempered glass, to contain a burning candle.
Mason jars will probably withstand the heat better than many other jars, since mason jars are intended to be heated, but they may be exposed to temperatures, and temperature differentials, beyond what they were designed for. Use of an open flame around alcohol (as might be used in a scene for its sanitizing, cooling, and/or stinging properties) can pose a substantial fire and burn hazard. Candles left unattended (perhaps while you sleep) can pose a serious fire hazard. At the very least, put the candle in a metal container.
Sir Michael describes in an article how a pillar candle, which they forgot to extinguish before going to bed, split down the side exposing more wick resulting in a larger flame which quickly burned down to the furniture underneath and set their dungeon on fire causing $10,000 worth of damage before the smoke detector woke them up. The area directly over the candle can get hot enough to ignite even at a considerable distance from the candle; use a metal baffle, or at least a piece of aluminum foil, if you are burning a candle without several feet of clearance overhead.
You can purchase bulk paraffin, sterine, wicks, and candle molds at some crafts stores and make your own candles to fit your own needs. You can also purchase paraffin at many grocery stores along with other canning supplies. You can purchase bulk paraffin, sterine, wicks, and candle molds at some crafts stores and make your own candles to fit your own needs. You can also purchase paraffin at many grocery stores along with other canning supplies. Used wax may be remolded into candles (don't add even more sterate or other additives unless that is what you really want) the heat from the molding and/or burning processes should kill most nasty pathogens. You can hold scraps of wax over a burning candle to quickly increase the size of the pool of paraffin; give this wax a little time to reach equilibrium with the solid wax. Wax melted in this way will have some black carbon contamination (which may affect the melting point) and if you add too much wax this way you may actually extinguish the candle. Also, wax may be easier to remove from hairy areas while it is still slightly warm and if it has been applied thinly. Fully refined paraffin melts at 130-135 degrees F. Beeswax without additives melts at around 143-145 degrees F (lower if refined) but more temperature raising additives are typically used when making candles. Spectrum's Hot Wax article gives the results of some experiments on wax and downplays the affect of candle composition while emphasizing candle shape. I intend to update the section above based on my interpretation of spectrums results.
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Knives and ordinary scissors can be used for emergency bondage release. However, in a panic situation in subdued light (or a blackout) with a convulsing submissive, you may find the use of these results in injury.
Special scissors are an important part of bondage safety gear. These scissors should be able to cut through clothing, webbing, leather, and rope. They need to have a blunt tip so they can safely be used in contact with skin. They are normally offset. It is also helpful if they can be sterilized. The two most popular types are EMT Shears and Bandage Scissors. Unfortunately, these are hard to find locally. Since these belong in every first aid kit, you would think they would be readily available at every drugstore. But drugstores carry almost everything except medical supplies. Only one drugstore seems to have them, and they are in the house wares isle repackaged as garden shears. Some of the high priced trail first aid kits at Blue Ridge Mountain outfitters do include either EMT Shears or bandage scissors.
Every other first aid kit in town I have checked has had no scissors or tiny scissors. All of the scissors below still need to be used with some care. If a fold of skin presses against the side of the blade, you will cut off a good chunk of flesh, trust me. It is possible for a fold of skin to reach the cutting blade at the end although the longer bottom blade (not sharpened where it doesn't engage the top blade) reduces the danger. Using the scissors as parallel to the skin as possible reduces the danger of stabbing or slicing a fold. Holding the scissors and the item to be cut away from the skin an inch can also help, particularly if you place your own hand underneath. Visibility helps prevent accidents. Bondage scissors can be purchased from mail order suppliers such as JT's Stockroom.
EMT Shears
These are also called "Ambulance Shears", "Trauma Shears", and "Paramedic Shears". These are made out of stamped stainless steel sheet metal with a stamped in ridge for rigidity and have plastic handles. The bottom blade is longer than the top blade and there is a section at the end which has been folded over sideways to help prevent digging into skin. There is a wire cutter notch on the back side. Some of these can cut a penny in half (with difficulty).
Available locally at Eckert Drugs in one of the housewives isle as "Kane Gardener A7501 7-1/4" utility shears UPC 0-72724-0083-3" for about $7. Advertises that they can cut through a penny; they can - with a lot of effort and repositioning the penny part way through the cut for mechanical advantage. "Autoclave 143°rees;C".
In the tool section at K-mart you will find "Tool Source 7-1/2 In Power Utility Scissors 0-72000-73378-3". These look almost identical but are lower quality. They do not have the autoclave legend and will not cut through a penny. The wire cutter notch is not functional. These will cut through rope but will take several bites unlike the higher quality Kane model. On the other hand, the cash register accidentally rang these up at $2 instead of $7. The poor performance seems to be mostly due to a lousy riveting job on the samples I examined; a couple whacks with a hammer took out the play and improved the cutting ability although they still did not perform as well as the Kane scissors. I was even able to slice a penny in two after this adjustment. I tried autoclaving one of these, the handle melted and warped a bit.
Bandage Scissors
These are forged stainless steel. The bottom blade is longer than the top one and has a very wide smooth rounded tip. I would not expect these to cut through heavy materials as well as EMT shears but they are the safest to use near skin. No known local sources (other than the first aid kit mentioned above).
Other Scissors
The vast majority of scissors are not suitable for the purpose. They either lack the cutting ability or have considerable danger of accidental stabbing. I did find a few that had potential.
Fiskars 9-1/2" Utility Shears (Lowes Hardware tool section) are offset scissors with a notch, similar to the bone cutting notch on kitchen scissors, which is good for cutting rope. The bottom blade is longer for continuous cutting and is rounded just enough (1/8" wide 160 degrees) to minimize risk of stabbing. Good quality serrated blade and very comfortable molded offset handle. Longer cutting length. Passed the penny test.
Various brands of "Bypass Pruning Shears" (note the word "bypass"). The bottom blade is rounded enough (1/8" 160 degrees, or so) for safe use with care and the cutting power should be substantial, particularly on the geared models. Most lock in the closed position.
There are some folding scissors in the camping section at walmart for about $3. The blades retract into the handle. The blade is quite sharp. It is rounded enough (1/4" 90%) to be used without stabbing but since the blades are the same length you need to make sure you do not catch a fold of skin in the end. The blades tend to splay too much whick requires you to press the blade ends together to cut rope. There is some danger of the blades over meshing such that the sharp edges are exposed but this seems to pose minimal danger since you must press on the blades to get this to occur. Resist the urge to use them like a dull switch blade in a knife play scene. They are spring loaded and repositioning or relaxing your grip can cause them to open momentarily, taking a hunk of flesh from the side when they close again.
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There is no incompatibility between the goals of Feminism and BDSM. There are some misguided and uninformed feminists who oppose BDSM. There are also many feminists (including the author of these pages) who practice BDSM. The National Organization for Women (NOW) has taken a public position against sadomasochism; there is, however, a loose knit organization of NOW members dedicated to correcting this error.
Remember that BDSM is practiced not only with men dominating women but also with women dominating men, men dominating men, women dominating women, switches, and people dominating themselves. BDSM is not gender oriented although individual players may have fetishes for people of a particular gender.
There are many paradoxes in BDSM. A women who submits in the bedroom may be an aggressive corporate executive in real life. Erotic submission may actually help someone become more assertive in everyday life (domination may also). Practicing masochism may result in someone being less timid and fearful in their dealings with the outside world; it is even a rite of passage for some. Humiliation can actually help some overcome repression. By consciously including power games in their interaction, many couples are able to better understand the unconscious power dynamics of relationships which often include predefined gender roles and internalized sexism. Temporarily restricting ones freedom in one dimension can give one freedom in other dimensions. Although it may come as a surprise to those unfamiliar with BDSM, the submissive, bottom, and/or masochistic role can be empowering for many.
Abuse does occur in BDSM relationships just as it occurs in vanilla relationships. The BDSM community does not condone abuse and introductory material often has advice to newbies on how to reduce the risk of abuse. Some women have used BDSM scenes to aid in the recovery from past abuse and assault, although this needs to be done with much care and after the victim has undergone some healing.
"An abusive relationship is one in which substantial physical, mental, or emotional harm is inflicted, that is not temporary in nature, and is not clearly compensated for by positive and loving experiences over a long period of time." -- by louise lol, 1997.
Many women who consider themselves to be feminists engage in a subtle but very dangerous form of sexism. They want to be treated in a particular manner and they assert that all women should be treated in that manner. This form of sexism involves judging other women by their gender not their individual needs and, worse, imposing this erroneous judgment on other women and those they interact with. Feminism is about equality of opportunity and responsibility. Women who find satisfaction from practicing BDSM deserve the opportunity to engage in the pursuit of happiness.
A woman who calls herself gardenia wrote an article condemning sadomasochism in a San Diego lesbian paper but later wrote this:
"and what about all those things I wrote about in the SD paper? I didn't know what I was talking about. I, as a submissive/bottom, am NOT abused by any stretch of the imagination. I am wired differently... enjoy my sex and play and love and relationships with more spice than others... but I am *definitely* NOT abused. I am loved and cared for and tended to and cherished. "
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Is this legal? No. The sex lives of the vast majority of American citizens are illegal.
Even the most mundane sex is not legal in the United States. A blowjob (74%) is still illegal in many states, including Virginia; anal sex (37%) is illegal in those same states. Having sex without closing the blinds or behind a privacy fence is illegal in many states on the warped reasoning that a kid with a ladder might be able to see; gee, kids who commit crimes (invasion of privacy) might be harmed as a result of those acts (31% have had sex in a public place). Having sex with someone you are not married to is illegal (even if you aren't married) in many states. Sex with someone of the same gender is illegal in some states. Sex with someone who is underage, even if they are mature enough, gave informed consent, initiated the encounter, and lied about their age, is illegal (21% have had sex with a teenager); so, sex with a 16 year old college sophomore is a legal no no, which could be very inconvenient for the sophomore.
Laws intended to protect against domestic violence have been misapplied in some areas to prosecute people engaged in S&M.
People in the military have almost no rights. Ironically, BDSM leather culture arose among Veterans.
Laws in other countries vary.
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The range of supervision, which may or may not be sharply erotic, varies widely. The dominant may manage using general guidelines or a detailed agenda. Micro-management may control even mundane activities, such as when the submissive sits, eats, speaks, moves, etc. Some people consider the defining line between a submissive and a slave as the extent to which the person is controlled, i.e. how many aspects of the person have been surrendered and are micro-managed. Although such micro-management is common, it is not the defining difference. Instead, we characterize a slave by several other elements.
First, a slave is one who turns over everythingpersonal rights, freedom of choice, property, etc.to another person. The master may not choose to exert control over all of these areas but retains the right to do so.
Second, a slave's deep desire to serve, particularly to serve a master, is not transactional. That is, a slave serves without expecting specific recognition in return for any particular act. Thus, the slave views service as act of devotion. This is not to say that the slave should be treated as a doormat. Certainly the dominant should appreciate the slave's surrender of power. However, slaves expect their personal needs to be met within the power exchange through the master's knowledge of their desires, rather than through specific requests.
Third, beyond following instructions, a slave performs tasks not bidden by the master, by reading their master's actions and moves, thereby getting inside the master's mindset to further fulfill and serve the master better. While this does not work in every instance, slaves try as hard as possible to interpret the master's desires in order to serve to the fullest extent of their abilities. Intrinsic to this process is treading a fine line between service and intrusivenessknowing when "enough is enough."
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There are significant differences between corporal punishment and the infliction of pain for the giving of pleasure: technique, reason, and effect come to mind right away.
A person can endure a significant amount of pain from a whip, strap, hand, or paddle if their application begins slowly and builds to a higher, faster, and stronger level. This technique is used when the spanking or whipping is meant to give pleasure to either partner. "Warming an ass" prepares it for heavier discipline as the body adjusts itself to increasingly higher levels of pain. When the discipline begins at a higher level of intensity, the pain is much more difficult to tolerate.
During the times that pleasure is the reason for the spanking, there is (usually) a warmth, camaraderie, and intimacy that is lacking when the punishment is for the sake of punishment. At such times, caressing, kissing, foundling, and stroking are often intermixed with the application of pain.
And lastly, discipline feels different and effects a slave or bottom differently. Whereas many bottoms enjoy a paddling, most will do their best to avoid the paddle when it is applied as a punishment.. Strange as it may seem, the purpose and technique create a wholly other experience when the top wields a whip as a means of correction or penance.
Many novices (and some not so new to the scene) think that both forms of discipline are the same --- but they aren't. Discipline is a significant tool in a master's repertoire, but it is one that is often misunderstood and misapplied.
Real discipline "works" best in relationships that have continuity to them. It is meant to alter behavior. That doesn't mean that paddling and such can't be part of a short term scene. It certainly can be, though intense discipline demands a level of trust not easily reached in a fleeting encounter. Rule making, breaking, and the subsequent "punishment" are often part of the role-playing that occurs in SM encounters. I'm not going to presume to tell two (or more) people what should happen in their SM scene, but such discipline has a different "flavor" to it.
Some tops impose rules during a scene in order to create a reason for punishment. Likewise, some bottoms break the rules in order to "force" the top to punish them. In either case, if the scene works, then it is right for its participants. But all too often such artificiality is uncalled for. The simple recognition of rights and reasons can eliminate the need for such "play-acting" entirely.
What I mean is this: if a top wants to spank, paddle, whip, or otherwise warm up his bottom's bottom he doesn't need to use rules to gain "permission" to do so. As the dominant partner with a consenting bottom, he already has that permission. The sake of the top's pleasure is reason enough to proceed. In a real master/slave relationship, the top is in control and that is ground enough for him'/her to do as s/he feels, within the limits or sanity, safety, and consent.
But the vast majority of Leather scenes never approach the intensity of a true master/slave relationship. Most of the time, the Leather scene is simply an acting out of fantasy. The "scene" is kept in the realm of play, and is seldom, if ever, allowed to effect one's life and lifestyle. That's the way life is, and it's liable to stay that way for a long time to come.
The problem with imposing rules in order that they be broken, or breaking rules simply for eliciting discipline is that both cases set up a scenario for failure.
At a recent "novice night" I was asked about a top who piled rules upon rules in order to make his bottom break them. It seemed he wanted force the bottom to deserve a punishment. The bottom, for his part, found it frustrating, since his intention was to please his "master", an unlikely job since the rules were impossible to keep.
The bottom would have been very happy to please his master by receiving the discipline. There was no need to force it on him. He was willing to endure it for his master's pleasure. Instead he felt a strong sense of failure since he couldn't keep all the rules his master had imposed.
As Larry, an experienced master says, "You don't need to break a rule for me to punish you. I'll do it just because I want to do it. If you want a paddling, don't fuck up, just ask me for it and you'll get it." Larry can speak that way because of his own self-confidence. He recognizes the rights and responsibilities inherent in an SM relationship and is comfortable with the gratifications they offer.
The best SM scenes are learning experiences. Discipline is a useful and necessary tool. With it a master can teach his slave how to behave and can help him modify his behavior to give greater pleasure to his master. Early on in their relationship, Jim, Larry's slave, often came prematurely, much to his master's displeasure. The application of a heavy black belt across Jim's ass cured that habit very quickly.
There is more to the Leather scene than play-acting. It can be more than pleasurable. Like all relationships, SM can provide an environment for personal growth and deep meaningful relationships. When two people come together with mutual respect and understanding, they open themselves to a world of miracles and delight. No matter what connotation you give to the word "rod", use it wisely and it will reward you immensely.
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I decided to write this article because I have seen so many submissives come into the lifestyle expecting everything to be dream-like and perfect. I don't wish to ruin anyone's dreams, or turn them from the activity, but what I wish to do is to explain how things really are. Being a slave can be, and is for me, a wonderful life. It's everything I wanted it to be. It is also more than I ever expected, and had someone explained the realities to me prior to my decision, it would have made my transition so much easier. For the purpose of this article, I am addressing issues related to being a 24/7 slave. These
comments are from my viewpoint, which is that of a female slave with a male Master. By no means do I wish to exclude Domme's or male slaves. For them, I cannot comment from personal experience. This is just my view from a real-time experience.
First, there are a few things you need to discover for and about yourself. Do you wish to be in this type relationship 24/7? Perhaps you only wish to be in it during the scenes. Maybe you want to role-play at
only during certain times. There are many ways this activity can be done, but you have to figure out what is right for you.
Second, you need to learn to be honest with yourself. Figure out what you will and will not do, and what is a "maybe". Search inside yourself for what you really want, and when you find it, be honest to anyone you talk to. Don't agree to something long-term that you know you will not be able accomplish. Ask yourself some hard questions. The rest of this article will give you aspects to contemplate so you can base your decisions on reality, and not someone else's dreams of how it should be.
Are you prepared to surrender 100% control of your life to someone else? 24/7 slaves do this. Role-playing would mean entering into this relationship only for the time agreed upon that the Master would have the total control. Once the scene is over, everything returns to normal.
Do you enjoy country music? Maybe you love Rock and Roll. Consider this. The Master who's collar you will eventually wear, may only like classical or another type of music that you don't enjoy. Are you
prepared to give up those selections and only listen to His music? This type sacrifice can apply to many other things you currently enjoy. For myself, I love old love songs of any type, and my Master is into Hard Rock. Because of His preferences, I rarely get to listen to my songs. But, when I am a good girl, at times, He does permit me to listen to my choice of music, as long as I get my assigned tasks and chores done. Note, I said, "permitted to". Something as simple as listening to the radio is a reward for me. It is not a given that you will be permitted to enjoy even this little pleasure whenever you wish. These limitations can apply to many areas of your life such as TV, choices of food or friends, just about anywhere anything! Is there a certain style of clothes you love? Certain colors and scents you wouldn't be caught without? If your Master doesn't approve of them, you may be wearing a totally different style with colors you never would have dreamed of. He may lay your clothes out for you every morning. Are you prepared to abide happily by His choices? If He asked you to wear something very skimpy to someplace simple like the grocery store, could you do this without hesitation? I am lucky in the fact that my Master lets me chose my own clothes most of the time. But at anytime, should He decide that He wants me to wear something else, I am to change immediately. Trust me, He does exercise this right. I have learned to always ask Him what He would like me to wear if we are going someplace special.
Are you prepared to change your hairstyle, length, or color to please your Master? All of these will belong to Him once you accept your collar as will everything else that once belonged to you. You will no longer own anything. From the time you take His collar, everything will be His. It will no longer be "your" car or "your" clothes, but "His", on loan to you as He sees fit. If He should so choose, you will not be permitted to wear clothes at all. This will be HIS choice, not yours. Remember, you will have given up all rights to make these choices for yourself.
You have a favorite chair, or a certain way you like to sit or walk? Your Master will decide whether you sit on furniture or on the floor. He will have the say if you are to cross your legs, or sit with them spread
wide-open. You will have to ask permission to even climb into bed, or sit on a chair. Most slaves are allowed a cushion on the floor that they do not need permission to sit upon, but very little else. You will even need permission to eat at the table with your Master.
It's been a long hard day at work. You get home and want nothing more than to relax in a tub and go to bed early. Well, you won't be able to. Being tired, ill, or just in a bad mood does not excuse you from your required tasks. You are still required to do them: prepare His meal, and go to bed when HE tells you to. Retiring for bed usually occurs at a set time, even if you are not ready to go. There will not be an "I am too tired" or "I don't feel well": nothing of the kind. Unless your Master has excused you from your tasks and chores, you will remain responsible for making sure His needs and wants are filled: no matter what. It is your job to inform your Master of your physical health status. One of your main jobs will be to take care of and protect, His possessions. You being are the most prized one He owns. As long as you let your Master know how you are feeling, He will make sure that your tasks will be appropriate to your capabilities.
Many come into this lifestyle looking to be used sexually, to service their Master at His whim. They never consider other aspects. The main part of being a slave is to be of service to your Master, and not to be serviced for yourself. However, being readily available to Him at ALL times is also an unspoken expectation. The old excuse "not tonight dear, I have a headache" doesn't work in a D/s relationship. In order to provide Him pleasure, you must also express to Him the pleasure of the moment for you as well. NEVER make your Master feel this is a chore to you: something you would rather not do, but will only because you have to. If your Master tells you to do something, it will not be up to you to question Him. You will be required to respond with no questions asked. At a later time (if this is permitted in your relationship), you may ask Him for permission to speak on an equal level. If He gives permission, this will be your opportunity to ask your questions. However, it is important to ask in a way so as not to question His authority, but at the same time to satisfy your curiosity.
Do you feel being a slave is to be coerced: forced into servitude? Do you think you couldn't do this unless you were? Then think again. Slaves enter into this relationship of their own free will. This is not
the day of forced slavery; it is a matter of choice. YOURS! You are the one who will decide to give over your power to your Master. You will be doing this, not because you are forced to obey, but because you need to. Yes, during the course of your relationship there will be times you will be forced to do something, but it will never be something that goes against who you are. Your Master may feel obeying this command will help you to grow into the best person you can be, or will help you break out of an inhibition you have.
How is your temper? Are you quick to fly off-of-the-handle when you are upset? Or are you laid back, accepting anything and everything, and then go off to sulk because your feelings were hurt? A Master does not wish to have a doormat for a slave nor does He desire to be told how things should be. Learning when and how to say things will become very important in your relationship. If you do not tell your Master when something is bothering you, then you have no right whatsoever to become upset. However wonderful and omnipotent He may seem, He is not a mind reader: unless you tell Him, He won't know. The key, as I said a moment ago, is in how you tell Him.
Your self-discipline is very important in this relationship. Do you tend to put things off until the last possible moment? You won't be able to do this when you are owned. There will be chores and tasks your Master will assign that He expects to be done in a timely fashion set by Him, not by you. Your Master's wants and needs will be put before your own. Self-discipline is similar to self-control. Your ability to follow complete assignments made by your Master will be very important. As a slave, you will need to be able to control your own actions well enough to be able to remain within the boundaries set for you by Him. If He says you can't do something, simply, you can't. Doing it anyway, and not telling
Him doesn't make it right. In the case of a Master/slave relationship, what you don't know CAN hurt you, as well as the relationship you have worked so hard to build. Even a simple "white lie" can destroy the trust so necessary to really establish this type relationship.
As to wants and needs of your own: do you know the difference between the two? If not, I strongly recommend you figure them out before entering into servitude. Sometimes the two are hard to
distinguish, but it will become important that you do so. Your Master will ensure all your "needs" are taken care of, but the "wants" will be His to allow or not, as He sees fit. Needs are the necessities of life that are required in order for us to remain mentally and physically healthy. They allow us to grow emotionally and spiritually. If you can survive without something, then it is a want. Wants are usually given as a reward for good behavior.
In order to be a slave, there will be many things you have to learn to accept within yourself and adapt to. Your primary purpose in life will be to see to your Masters pleasure (both mentally and physically) in any manner He should desire. In order to do this, you will have to learn your Master well. Find out what pleases and displeases Him. By this, I do not mean just sexually. You will learn that sex is but a small part of your relationship. Learn to anticipate His every need and desire without being pushy. His needs and desires will encompass intellectual stimulation, physical pleasure, emotional support, and many other things unique to Him. Remember - physical does not equal sexual. Physical pleasure may include, but is not limited to, touch, favorite foods, textures, clothing, and colors as examples. It will be your job to make sure His physical pleasures are met in everyway. Think of the five senses, and make His environment pleasing to all of them. Never forget - the most pleasing thing in His environment should be you.
As His slave, it will be up to you to figure out what pleases your Master. He should not have to ask constantly for the basic things - you should have learned them. If His glass is empty, quietly and unobtrusively refill it. Remember, you are doing this for His pleasure not your own. Just because He does not notice and praise you doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. Look at His smile. Is He comfortable? If He looks happy and content, then you have done well, and should bask in His content.
Always remember that you do this for Him and not for your own satisfaction. Your happiness should come from serving Him and His being happy.
As I said in the beginning of this article, I am not trying to scare you away from the world of D/s. My goal is to make sure that, when you enter our lifestyle, you do so with your eyes wide open, fully knowing what to expect. The road will not be an easy one. You will have to re-learn much of what you once took for granted: things you just did without thinking, like simply sitting in a chair. These are habits we never even think about anymore. That is, until we find a Master.
Everything else you learned before reading this article is probably true. Being a slave is a wonderful life: one where you are taken care of. Most decisions are out of your hands and in those of your Masters.
But, many choices will still be left up to you. Most Masters want a slave who is smart, has a sense of humor, and a will of their own. There is no pleasure in owning a doormat who just sits or is only walked upon. He will become bored very fast. Being yourself is the best advice I was given, and I have found this to be absolutely true for me.
You will find being a slave everything you dreamed of and so much more if you enter this life knowing more of what to expect. If you are meant to be in the lifestyle, you will find that, where you were once
only walked through life, you will be gliding on air. Parts of you that never were complete will then become whole. In relinquishing control, I have found freedom: freedom to find and be the person I am inside.
It is my hope that, after reading this article, you will be able to make a more informed choice about entering this lifestyle. Never forget that, one of the most important requirements for existing in this lifestyle is honesty. Honesty with yourself first. However, you will find that this is not as easy as it sounds. Once you learn to do this, you will find yourself at peace and able to enter your servitude with clearer mind, knowing where you are and where you want to be. When you accept your Masters collar, you give up all your rights. Your friends, your life - nothing will remain yours. Being a slave means giving up so much more than you would if you were only being submissive. You give up all rights in your life. Slave isn't just a word; it's a way of life, a defined action. Be well, my friend, and I hope you enjoy this lifestyle as much as I have come to love being in it.
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The word ritual means a process or action that is done and repeated according to specific procedure. A ritual is a sort of ceremony that is usually formal and follows the same pattern each and every time. Simply, it is something that a person does over and over for a Purpose. They set the mood or build an expectation. They are intended to be the same each time, within normal limits.
In a D/s relationship, these are the beginning training issues to the control that is exchanged between a Dom/me and their submissive. A contract between the couple negotiates the limits and boundaries and should include a list of rituals that the submissive will be required to perform for the Dom/me. These should be clear and straight forward so that the Dom is sure that the submissive understands the expectations and the submissive is aware of the requirements. The submissive is NOT to judge or question these rituals ( unless of course it violates the main rule of SAFE, SANE and CONSENSUAL) as the Dom/me is the person who's needs are being addressed and the power exchange is started. Many Dom/me 's use these rituals for their pleasure and as a test to see if the submissive is truly offering the gift of submission.
[ Bad^ note: a "submissive" may well offer input at the invocation of a new practice or ritual during the negotiation phase for said behavior. A "slave" may not]
i began my training with simple rituals. i am a medical professional and on certain days of the week, this girl wore no underwear while at work and on the remaining days i was to wear none. i might caution you that this is not a good choice if the submissive needs to wear white scrubs, mine were royal blue. On certain days i was allowed to wear a butt plug to work or during chores ( my favorite) with the thought that my ass belonged to Him. i was also instructed that each day i was to email Sir, explaining how my day was and what was on my mind. This allowed for further discussion later when we were able to speak more. He also gave an assignment for this girl to do for Him, such as looking up information about the lifestyle or writing essays in who this girl was and demons that troubled this girl. These began my everyday ritual. This enabled Sir to understand me better and to offer a guide in my training and meeting my needs.
If i do not perform the ritual, there are consequences. That is another part of rituals. But the expectations are real from the Dom/me to have these done. Personally it is this girls GREAT pleasure to have these rituals. They enable me to stay in focus with my Dom and remain in a submissive role when i am not able to be with my Dom.
Now as my training has advanced so have my rituals. This girl shall list the current ones that she does everyday if possible or when requested of my Dom.
------shaving of the pubic hair (classic submissive ritual) many Doms prefer bare
------meditation for 15 minutes before retiring to bed (always kneeling)
------sleeping in a collar (one made of quick release and large enough for safety)
------always using the Dom and His reference in UPPER case
------always referring to the submissive in lower case and third person
------journaling everyday
------words of control and meditation: Breath, Focus, Float and Roll
------giving control over not having an orgasm without permission FIRST
------Kneeling at the Doms feet or bed and outside of the bathroom
------waiting at the door for permission to enter first
------not speaking until the Dom/me gives permission
------asking permission to or eat and drink
------foot worship and sexual worship
------waiting in position before play
------counting the number of strokes at the end of play in His name and reciting
"one Sir, thank You Sir may i please have another Sir?" and so forth
------stating when submissive is sexually stimulated eg. 'i am Your wet slut Sir"
------asking permission for a sexual release
------always carry the Dom/me bag, smokes or business card
------walking behind the Dom/me and to the left
------driving the Dom or preparing the car for travel (air conditioner or heat)
------accepting curfews, bedtimes, diet and exercise
------writing all fantasy's and limits both hard and soft
------disrobe when entering the house and remain naked until told to dress
------accept dress requirements as the Dom seems fit
------not using furniture when in the house ( sitting lower than the Dom/me)
------do not sit until the Dom/me is seated first
------serve the Dom/me food first
------kneel to the Dom/me and confess behavior and accept correction/discipline
------kneeling with the Dom/me drink in palm, kiss edge and present, eyes lowered
------proper positions for training and pleasure
------sleep at the Dom/me feet or foot of bed (with/out pillow and blanket)
------wearing a butt plug for as long as the Dom wishes and think that He is in your ass
------wearing of the collar in the house and during training
------never approach the Dom/me without permission (ask first and granted)
------never speaks first waits for the Dom to acknowledge
------falls to a kneeling position when their Dom/me enters a room
------NEVER leaves the presence of a Dom/me without permission first
These are just a few of the rituals that this girl has or does now perform.
Tips for the Dom: be creative and personalize the rituals to suit Your needs and the submissive's growth. They will be most honored to do these every time with encouragement and praise. A firm hand will allow the submissive to see the importance of the ritual.
Tips for the submissive: take these very seriously and express your joy in what your Dom/me allows you to have. Discuss possible problems and concerns immediately to the Dom for further discussion on modifications if necessary. Each rituals allows you to bond and grow with your Dom/me. This is about a relationship. Trust and submit all that you have.
Lastly, never stop communicating.
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Daddy/little girl does not refer to the ages, real or pretend, of the participants. Nor does it imply closet desires. It refers to the environment that two people have created. A Daddy Dom is so named because of the qualities he possesses and the service he provides.
So, what are these qualities? What is a Daddy Dom?
A Daddy Dom wants to be the center of your universe. He wants to be able to provide for your every need and care. But more than that he wants to be able to shape and mold you to the image he thinks you should become. He sees in you someone who, in his mind, can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He believes more in you than you believe in yourself. What he wants in return is to be able to bask in his image of you, the image he has created.
How does he achieve his goals? Through love, respect, and discipline.
His love for his little girl goes without saying. He accepts every part of her and works to emphasize the good while improving the bad. He loves her as much for who she is as for who she will become with his guidance. It is this love that allows him to train her. He could not invest so much of himself in someone he did not love completely.
This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel great pride in his possession. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given him and takes great pains to increase it's value. It is extremely important to him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with him.
He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the little girl to really trust she must know he means what he says. He must constantly deepen her respect for him. If he does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If his submissive finds that she can manipulate him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He needs to empower her as much as he wants to possess her and it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect.
The discipline is also important when it comes to her protection, both from those outside the relationship and those within. He is the one who makes the decisions about how she will relate to the world in general and his discipline ensures that she follows these rules.
I think most Doms have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of male authority figure in their submissive's life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/little girl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it's participants crave.
