1.How To Get Revenge on "The Other Man"
A construction worker comes home just in time to find hiswife in bed with another man. So he grabs the guy and drags him naked down the stairs to the garage. He grabs the guy's cock, puts it in a vise, screws it down real tight and removes the handle of the vise. Then he rummages around in a drawer until he finds a hacksaw, which he picks up and displays to the terrified man. The man, wide-eyed, screams, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut off my dick, are you?" The husband hands him the hacksaw and says: "Nope. You are.I'm setting the garage on fire."
2.A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and
flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will
explain it to you". Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
3.Revenge
There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th
grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.
They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls : his calls and letters and e-mails
trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this: She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend
with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was
awesome: He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.and then mailed the picture to her parents.
4.Doctor Visit
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off.""No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, please stick out your tongue."
5. Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches (28 cm)
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day:54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 minutes to 2 weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches (7.5-10 cm)
Time it takes the sperm to travel the distance: 2.5 seconds
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie
6.Faking It
"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife.
"No, dear" she replied "This time I was really asleep."
7.The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get
on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has
noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed andshouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you thinkyou're doing?" The doctor, stillconcentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown thebastard!"
8.Firming Up
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman . . . and your brother!
9.A proctologist walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, "Well that's great, just great! Some asshole's got my pen!"
10. A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what can he do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tell him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot
reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, put one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home Suddenly the man screams, "Arrgghhhh!" "What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?" "No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."
11. A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...." He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing
right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache
since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."
12. A flat-chested woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother
said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man
and he said,"P ardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch
and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in
the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was
added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven!
She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says,
"Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!"
13. An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day,
he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks
into the house and says to his wife:''Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses,
and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING
DOWN, BESSIE?
IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!!!!!"
To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
